3-26-19
7:12 am Tuesday
I will go for a walk today.
I weighed myself and I am still at 195.5.
I am going to try to start to eat less.
Eating less wheat and sugar has helped in the past, along with eating more carrots and nuts.
I will also keep walking most days.
Being this heavy is very uncomfortable.
I believe I eat to help comfort, find relief from pain, but by eating as much as I do it causes weight gain. This weight gain causes more pain and I want to eat more to help try to comfort myself. I believe there is something more to it. I believe these behaviors help comfort because it provides a release or a surrendering.
I can not put my finger on it exactly. I am frustrated, confused and doing something that might provide pleasure or better yet guilt is a knowable tangible outcome.
Pleasure is somewhat fleeting but guilt seems to have a stronger knowable outcome. It seems to me I get confused and want to get relief from this through a more stable experience of guilt. What a strange way to respond. I hope to direct this confusion more towards the values of ATM; it will not be easy.
Fitness is not achieved by over eating, I want to achieve fitness, thusly will try to eat less and avoid those foods that aid in fast weight gain.
It all appears to be so simple but somehow it is not.
I am thankful for this opportunity.