change takes a heroic effort


9:41 am Wed

We are going to “go live” with the website today.

It is not finished, but I believe showing the process can be helpful.

I have been keeping a daily/ weekly journal since 6/25/13, it is getting close to 6 years since I started.

I will recall why I started and investigate why I keep this process going later.

I have been considering whether or not I should make this process public as a blog.

I believe we are particularly open and receptive to stories.  We all have a story or perhaps the story has us.

There are so many stories that it seems to me to be equivalent to the stars in the sky. Much like the stars in the sky, I rarely look to see peoples’ stories.

I believe this is in part because of the magnitude of responsibility I experience when I do look. I need to see, to experience this beauty.  I want to somehow be this beauty, to be connected to it.   Somehow this all seems to be too much and too painful for me.

I shrink away and harbor guilt.  These stories, these lives, my life, I shrink away from.  I harbor guilt. My hope is to take responsibly for my story, my life, as best as I can.  I want to appreciate this miracle of existence. I want to experience what it is like not to turn away.  I want to try.  I am 46 years old, I believe, and these are the same challenges I struggled with as a teenager.

I would like to believe trying to take responsibility for my experience might provide help to those who are considering a similar path.

I want to try.  I want to appreciate.  I am hoping not to turn away as often as I do now from myself, from others, and from the world.

I believe I may not be successful, but I will try, all the same.

I have been having dreams recently about discussing with my wife, Shuna, details about  killing myself, and also eating my own feces from urinals.

My upper and lower back have been causing me discomfort.  My weight is the highest it has ever been, at 195.5 lbs. today.

I am blessed with so much, but yet I seem unable to appreciate it.

I mentioned to Shuna, about cutting off my hair and beard today and making my blog and website public. I want to start making changes in how I go about my experience.

She is very supportive.  I love you Shuna.

I am thankful for this opportunity.