Pain as means to illuminate something

12-9-19

9:23 am Monday

It is Monday. It is a beautiful sunny day.  I have just written up my list of tasks I would like to work on.  I am currently behind on doing paperwork, recording bills etc.

Last night I started experiencing discomfort that seems to be tied to me not owning the business.   I believe it is called anxiety or a cloud of uncertainty that is rather painful.

People ask me what I am going to do since I sold my business and I seem to have a wave of this uncertainty even though I do have a plan that I have been working on for years.

For whatever strange reason, I have a hard time believing this pursuit of ATM / Cascadia

Heritage Farm can be regarded as a “real” pursuit.  I am desirous to have something I can

plug into.  Even though my business was a small enterprise I created with two partners, it

was something that I had plugged into, it was going and I had my place.  This place I helped to

create over 20 years.  It also made money and as a result was valued by others and by me.

Now I am starting from scratch, almost.  I am faced with something I believe I had more

strength to resist and am surprised how weak I am.   I do know that for me to value something greatly, I need others to value it and pay for it, but I did not expect this transition in pursuing  ATM/ Cascadia Heritage Farm would be this painful.  Change is difficult, but changing from doing something that is valued standardly ( school,  typical job or making money etc.) to doing something that may not be valued / able to be marketable is surprisingly painful.

The catch 22 is that I want to create something that may not be widely valued / marketable but

I seem not to value something that others don’t value.  This is my challenge that I take on with all my being.

I am not sure what to make of all this but I do believe I am very interested in the phenomenon.

I believe the path to ATM is experiencing this pain as a means to illuminate something I am hoping to see, to bear witness to, and be thankful for this opportunity.

I am thankful for this opportunity.