12-9-19
9:23 am Monday
It is Monday. It is a beautiful sunny day. I have just written up my list of tasks I would like to work on. I am currently behind on doing paperwork, recording bills etc.
Last night I started experiencing discomfort that seems to be tied to me not owning the business. I believe it is called anxiety or a cloud of uncertainty that is rather painful.
People ask me what I am going to do since I sold my business and I seem to have a wave of this uncertainty even though I do have a plan that I have been working on for years.
For whatever strange reason, I have a hard time believing this pursuit of ATM / Cascadia
Heritage Farm can be regarded as a “real” pursuit. I am desirous to have something I can
plug into. Even though my business was a small enterprise I created with two partners, it
was something that I had plugged into, it was going and I had my place. This place I helped to
create over 20 years. It also made money and as a result was valued by others and by me.
Now I am starting from scratch, almost. I am faced with something I believe I had more
strength to resist and am surprised how weak I am. I do know that for me to value something greatly, I need others to value it and pay for it, but I did not expect this transition in pursuing ATM/ Cascadia Heritage Farm would be this painful. Change is difficult, but changing from doing something that is valued standardly ( school, typical job or making money etc.) to doing something that may not be valued / able to be marketable is surprisingly painful.
The catch 22 is that I want to create something that may not be widely valued / marketable but
I seem not to value something that others don’t value. This is my challenge that I take on with all my being.
I am not sure what to make of all this but I do believe I am very interested in the phenomenon.
I believe the path to ATM is experiencing this pain as a means to illuminate something I am hoping to see, to bear witness to, and be thankful for this opportunity.
I am thankful for this opportunity.