10-30-20
3:34 pm Friday
It is Halloween Eve, I am making bread. I have adjusted how I make it based on what Morgan showed me. Her bread was excellent, but I do not like how much of the starter is not used. So I am not following it, but I am adding a lot more water and flour than I did before. I am curious how it will turn out and I have not measured anything.
I am still baking it, it is not as nice as hers so far, but hopefully it is better than my previous loaves.
I was generally angry and confused this last few days. My Aunt Vi died yesterday.
I have been off.
I have given Shuna a hard time. I have also noticed that I am no longer comfortable having Shuna snuggle me in the bed. I have gotten used to sleeping on my side of the bed with Viggo between us for the last almost 6 years. Now if Shuna tries to sleep next to me and puts her arm or leg on me, I panic. This is what I was like when I first met Shuna, and going from a panic to the comfort of sharing that intimacy might be one of the most gratifying acts of transformation that I have experienced. I am jolted that this panic has once again crept into me. I believe it is an unintended consequence of Viggo sleeping with us. I would take this consequence a hundred times over for Viggo’s well being, but it is so strange how a choice plays out. At this point I will get Viggo my old bed that I grew up in and he can start sleeping in that. The reason is that I want him to start developing strengths to stand with us against the challenges we all face.
Thank you Shuna for your patience with me and for seeing me.
Thank you for your sympathy for the passing of my Aunt.
I love you Shuna.
Aunt Vi was a direct tie to my father, and dying with no family near her to care for her is very sad, and not how I want to experience my world. I was not able or willing to be with her back in NJ. I am sorry Aunt Vi. I hope you forgive me and I forgive myself. I love you.
We talked about Aunt Vi dying yesterday and I was surprised to see Viggo tear up a little about this news. It was heart warming to see my son respond in this fashion. I am proud of you Viggo. It is a pleasure to have the warmth of others, of family, in the face of this odd journey.
I am thankful for this opportunity.